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The dogs have had enough.
It’s like a rite of spring: The last great race begins, and PETA makes whiners of the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race dogs.
They have to run too far, too fast. That darned insensitive Alaska is too cold, wet and icky.
Riot, Stovepipe and Rainy, among others, beg to differ.
Having conferred with their human, Ketchikan musher Angie Taggart, the dogs are suing PETA for damaging their self esteem.
Remember, PETA is the bunch that thinks salmon are people, too. Sensitive bunch, the PETA crowd — so they will understand that they have made the doggies feel bad, and need to make amends.
Contacted in Hawaii with Taggart, who served as interpreter, Riot et al explained they are seeking 10 million dog treats in damages.
As an aside, it is not all that easy to interpret sled-dog talk. It is a double-translation process.
First, the dogs say, “Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!”
Thanks to Gary Larson’s famous Far Side cartoon, we know that the correct initial interpretation of this phrase, in English, is, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”
Taggart expands upon the meaning of “heyheyheyhey,” as a sled dog intends it.
“It’s ruff out there (ruff ruff — very rough), but we are not without tools to adapt and, yea, more, to conquer the Last Frontier with our brawn. As Swami Vivekananda put it: 'We are responsible for what we are; and whatever we wish ourselves to be, we have the power to make ourselves.' The crucible makes us stronger, with the help of our fearless, yet inordinately cheerful, musher. She thinks she is leading us, but note, if you will, where she is, relative to our position. A follower! But she has the food and the opposable thumbs.
“Our canine sensibilities are deeply offended by the notion that we would, if offered the opportunity, forego our participation — dare we say, our leadership — in the Last Great Race.”
Taggart, a teacher, knows that one cannot stop there. She asked the team to suggest a remedy, rather than to stop at stating the problem.
“Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!” came the reply.
At first, she suspected they were asking for four bales of hay, a questionable settlement, but realized she had been caught up mid-translation. When she further investigated, it came to light that the preferred 10 million in compensation would be in fish — specifically, salmon.
However, the sensitive Rainy noted that PETA is hesitant about the consumption of fish, and she did not wish, through the court action, to damage PETA’s self esteem, as PETA had attempted to damage all sled dogs’.
Therefore, it was agreed, Yummy Chummies would be a reasonable substitution. It is assumed that PETA has not done its research so wouldn’t realize it would be supplying dog treats fashioned from wild Alaska salmon (“soft ‘n’ chewy,” Stovepipe growled).
The action is to be filed in Ketchikan District Court a few hours hence, dated April Fools Day.
Wait a minute ... is this editorial, like, a joke or something?