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By W. TERENCE ERBELE
In January, our church received an email. I responded and mysteriously my response evoked no further correspondence. “We are looking to book tour reservations. Kindly let us know tour packages you provide/offer with pricing details.” Four questions followed.
1. What kind of tour do you offer?
We offer tours of abundant life. Our CEO has put together a most amazing, exhilarating and memorable tour package. It is guaranteed to provide what you a looking for. We offer joy unspeakable and full of glory, peace that passes understanding, hope that is unshakable and love that is unstoppable.
The spectacular vistas are simply indescribable and the teaming surprises will keep you enthralled. You will also journey through the deepest and darkest canyons. The tour guide, who happens to be the son of the CEO, will accompany you. He thoroughly knows the route. Even when diffused by ominous clouds enough light reflects off the mountaintops to ensure that no one is lost. A second tour guide will also accompany you who will explain and answer any questions along the way. Should the trek make you weary, the guides will be there to help.
Some have described our tour as an adventure tour. The expedition will energize you. The adventure includes power for living and a purpose in life. In fact, even your mind will be renewed. Astounding as it may sound, sins are forgiven.
Included in the package is an opportunity to, not only have an audience, but to become close friends with the owner who created the heavens and the earth and all that is in them.
Our brochure has been translated into nearly every language. We strongly suggest that you read it to get the maximum benefit of the tour.
2. Can we know your destinations to help us choose?
We highly recommend heaven. It is the only destination we offer. Typically, this is understood to be deferred gratification for the hereafter. While eternity is included in the tour package, we offer bliss on earth. The son of the owner/CEO refers to our destination as the Kingdom of God.
3. Do you require full payment or deposit to confirm booking?
A deposit, let alone a full payment, is not a possibility. The value is beyond anything the wealth of all of humanity combined could offer. The good news is that the owner wants you to experience our tour so the price has been paid in full. You are invited to come, experience and enjoy the excursion on the house.
4. Do you accept credit card payments?
Yes, we do accept credit card payments, as well as cash and checks. You will experience an overwhelming debt of gratitude and want to do more so that others can enjoy this amazing tour. We provide you opportunity to donate your time and your abilities. You are invited to come to the weekly reunion every Sunday morning to celebrate this experience of a lifetime. It will be an excellent opportunity to learn more about our tour.
We eagerly await your booking.
PS: There is a 40 day sample tour being offered next week beginning on Wednesday, Feb. 14. Many alumni will accompany us with ashes on their foreheads on the first day to remember that we are but dust and to dust we shall return. The journey will take you through the darkest of darkness and you will emerge into a glorious brightness that outshines the sun.
The Rev. W. Terence Erbele is a pastor of the First United Methodist Church.
Perspectives is a regular column sponsored and written by members of the Ketchikan Ministerial Association.